The Biggest Blocking Points in Couples Therapy: Insights from a Psychologist

As a psychologist who has worked with couples, I’ve seen firsthand how transformative therapy can be for relationships. However, there are certain common obstacles that can significantly impede the progress of therapy. These blocking points, if not addressed, can prevent couples from fully benefiting from the therapeutic process. Below, I’ll share some of the most significant challenges I encounter in couples therapy, along with insights into why they occur and how they can be overcome.

1. Difficulty Slowing Down

One of the most common challenges in couples therapy is the difficulty of slowing down. Emotions in a relationship can run high, and when couples enter therapy, they often bring with them a whirlwind of feelings, thoughts, and reactions that have been building up over time.

In therapy, it’s crucial to slow down, pause, and attune to the underlying patterns that are being triggered in the relationship. When couples get caught up in the intensity of their emotions, they can miss the opportunity to reflect on what’s really happening beneath the surface. Therapy requires a certain level of mindfulness—an ability to step back and observe rather than react. If the couple can’t slow down, they risk using their time in therapy to argue or defend rather than to explore and understand.

As a therapist, I often have to gently guide couples to take a step back, breathe, and reflect. This slowing down allows us to identify the deeper issues at play and work through them in a meaningful way. Without this ability to pause and reflect, the therapeutic process can be severely hindered.

2. Expecting the Therapist to Be a Judge Instead of a Psychologist

Another significant obstacle I encounter in couples therapy is the expectation, whether conscious or unconscious, that I should act as a judge. Sometimes, one or both partners come into therapy with the underlying hope that I will validate their perspective and declare them “right” while their partner is “wrong”, and therefore responsible for the change in their relationship. While validation is an understandable need and an important aspect of therapy, this mindset can be a major barrier to progress.

Therapy is not about assigning blame or proving who is right. It’s about fostering understanding, growth, and self-development within the relationship. When individuals come into therapy expecting a judgment in their favor, they may resist taking accountability for their own contributions to the relationship’s challenges. This resistance can prevent them from engaging in the deeper work of self-reflection and change that is necessary for the relationship to heal and thrive.

One of the goals of couples therapy is to help each partner develop a greater sense of self-awareness and responsibility. This involves recognizing how their own behaviors and patterns contribute to the dynamic in the relationship. When both partners are willing to take accountability, the therapy process becomes much more productive and transformative.

3. Lack of Curiosity and Empathy

A third major blocking point in couples therapy is a lack of curiosity and empathy. Healthy relationships are built on understanding and compassion, and these qualities are essential in therapy as well. However, when couples are entrenched in conflict or pain, they can lose sight of these qualities and become focused solely on their own perspective.

A lack of curiosity means that partners stop asking questions about each other’s experiences, feelings, and thoughts. They stop trying to understand where the other person is coming from. Without this curiosity, it becomes very difficult to break out of negative patterns and find new ways of relating to each other.

Similarly, a lack of empathy can create a barrier to healing. When partners are unable to empathize with each other’s pain or struggles, they become disconnected and defensive. Empathy is what allows us to see our partner’s humanity, to recognize that they too are struggling, and to offer the compassion that can lead to reconciliation and growth.

In therapy, I work to foster an environment where curiosity and empathy can flourish. This involves encouraging partners to ask open-ended questions, to listen deeply, and to try to understand their partner’s experience from a place of genuine interest and concern. When couples are able to re-engage with curiosity and empathy, they can start to rebuild trust and connection.

Conclusion

Couples therapy has the potential to be a profoundly healing experience, but it requires a willingness to engage in the process with openness, self-reflection, and a commitment to growth. The obstacles of difficulty slowing down, expecting the therapist to be a judge, and a lack of curiosity and empathy are common challenges, but they are not insurmountable.

As a psychologist, my role is to help couples navigate these challenges, to slow down the pace, to move away from judgment, and to rekindle curiosity and empathy in the relationship. When couples are able to overcome these blocking points, they open the door to deeper understanding, connection, and lasting change.